i am not a germ-o-phobe.

Ok i said it. I got it out in the open. I am not afraid of getting dirty. I actually like it when my kids get dirty. I feel a little sense of pride when they smother their clothes in dirt or roll down the muddy slide at the playground. We go hiking a lot, and I always feel like we accomplished something when Gretta comes home covered in dust and with scraped knees.

I am the type of mom who thinks its important to be exposed to some germs in the world in order to learn how to fight them off. I feel lucky that my kids don't get sick the minute they breathe the same air as a sick kid around them. But its because they are strong kids! These little girlys of mine know how to fight off the bad.

This is becoming a really far fetched metaphor but I don't care. I want my parenting approach to echo this attitude I have towards germs. These girls have got to make some mistakes while they are under my care. And this needs to happen so that they will learn the right way to correct their mistakes and get back up again and keep on going. Being an intentional parent, in my opinion, doesn't mean protecting my kids from all the scary, hurtful or dangerous things this world has to offer. It means showing them how to be strong and not let anything keep them from trying their best at life.

I love my girls. Right now, this stage they are at is so incredible. I really love the people they are becoming. I love the moments throughout the day when I look at them and know they are happy. To be truthful, I've never been this exhausted or stressed but those feelings pale in comparison to the pride I have for Gretta Elise and London Keira. I see parts of Spencer in them and I see parts of me in them. And best of all, I see they have their own strong personality, and way of seeing the world. How fun for me to get to observe that and learn from it.

^^^digital scrapbook pages by my mom @shelleysdigitals

no sleep / / letting london "cry it out"

i don't know about you but sometimes i have really bad days. yesterday was one of those days. so for almost a year now, i've been waking up several times a night with a suishy sweet little baby and rocking her, giving her milk, holding her and putting her back down. each time i hear the cry from the other room, i get tense. i get mad. i get sad. for the first few months i didn't mind it one bit. i was happy to be there for my london girl and i enjoyed nursing her back to sleep. now though, i'm not a nice person in the middle of the night. i try to soothe her but if it doesn't work immediately then i get so upset! this makes me so sad thinking about it. i absolutely hate it if i'm going to be absolutely honest.

so now i have a choice to make. many people are totally and completely against the idea of letting your baby cry it out. but some people say it's the only thing that works. i'm to the point now that if i don't let her cry it out, i'm going to do something else, and it's a scary thought what that might be. i can't go on any longer. i have to let her cry it out.

london needs to sleep all night long. london's mother needs to sleep all night long.

its crazy because some days i wake up and have the perfect amount of energy all throughout the day. i guess i can chalk that up to being young? but then there are days like yesterday when i wanted to crawl up in a ball and be alone in my bed.

that's not me! so this needs to change. i hope i can do it. i know spencer can do it. but i just have to make the decision. i have to be strong. for london and for me. and for gretta and spencer for that matter. because they want a happy momma too!

motherhood is not easy people. its the most beautiful thing in my life, but its tough. i guess that's why it means so much.