no sleep / / letting london "cry it out"

i don't know about you but sometimes i have really bad days. yesterday was one of those days. so for almost a year now, i've been waking up several times a night with a suishy sweet little baby and rocking her, giving her milk, holding her and putting her back down. each time i hear the cry from the other room, i get tense. i get mad. i get sad. for the first few months i didn't mind it one bit. i was happy to be there for my london girl and i enjoyed nursing her back to sleep. now though, i'm not a nice person in the middle of the night. i try to soothe her but if it doesn't work immediately then i get so upset! this makes me so sad thinking about it. i absolutely hate it if i'm going to be absolutely honest.

so now i have a choice to make. many people are totally and completely against the idea of letting your baby cry it out. but some people say it's the only thing that works. i'm to the point now that if i don't let her cry it out, i'm going to do something else, and it's a scary thought what that might be. i can't go on any longer. i have to let her cry it out.

london needs to sleep all night long. london's mother needs to sleep all night long.

its crazy because some days i wake up and have the perfect amount of energy all throughout the day. i guess i can chalk that up to being young? but then there are days like yesterday when i wanted to crawl up in a ball and be alone in my bed.

that's not me! so this needs to change. i hope i can do it. i know spencer can do it. but i just have to make the decision. i have to be strong. for london and for me. and for gretta and spencer for that matter. because they want a happy momma too!

motherhood is not easy people. its the most beautiful thing in my life, but its tough. i guess that's why it means so much.